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Troubled

Impulsive is a word i could describe about myself. I thought of a way that i would like it to be but things were out if hand. I happen to fall for her, and without a doubt yes it just happen. She doesn’t like too public area. And i blew a few weeks ago, i couldn’t understand. And now i knew, she was afraid of being held in public. are we going too fast or am i pushing too fast i’ve been doing the chase and i dont want to be tired of it. People always tell me Giving is always a better feeling than receiving I remember how i told her that maybe im pushing too much and i should give her some space, she said she needed me. From then on, i never stop myself from letting my eyes off her. I keep trying even if i was the one who always say it first or do it first. Every point of my view, i need to let her see and let her moved by me.
When we’re out together after 2wks of not meeting up, i taught to myself is now or never so i make her comfortable. I danced along to the music she played, i laugh like a mad human and i smile without even knowing. I open my hand and she clenched onto mine, leaning onto her because i need warmth. Every bit of distance was as close for anything to happen. Silence sometimes came in, but it was her presence that was beside me and i never felt alone. I will always watch her from the back, it seem beautiful. When she do something embarrassing, indeed it is but is a cute side of her. When she walking funnily in front of me to the seats she want, i just love the view and how she turn back sometimes and smile at me. That was why i said, i love the view. We settled down and how i wish the train was emptied. Before my stop, i like doing surprises but sometimes i suck. Oh well, i gave her the gift and she look surprised as usual. Gave her tight hug and a kiss goodnight on the cheek. I never knew i was that brave to do so, but it was all because i miss her a lot. i remember when i asked her, “did you miss me?” She said, we’re here. And i said “did you?” She said, yes There’s so many signs but she never cross the line to do so. She’s always in the box, i dont even know what she’s thinking and what is in her mind when i do all these things.
She have too many sides of her, i start to feel weird about it. And then when i look up, Cancer have many different sides or personality. So i trust that. She’s different from the first time to now and to the time when we’re out together. 3 sides in total.
I pray to the stars and i clenched my hands together to always have an ‘us’ in me and her. I really hope one day, she will accept me and be bold.
Btw, i need some comment in what i should do. And is a girl and girl relationship, just so you know.

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Again

It happen again.. I have so much to say but opening up is so difficult like shit. I have no idea where to start but i want to start from telling you how much you mean to me. You keep me hanging just by looking at you through the videocall, your every detail i look right through. I never thought of giving you up, because you pull me through everything. That im hanging on with part of my life was because of you.

Looking at how my friends able to go through with an exhibition, have too many emotions. So damn proud of them as well as felt really not good in how I handle myself and my dream. When people ask me “You can try putting yours up”, I smiled “Nah, i can’t make it” That’s the only word I can say, I don’t find my work really expressive. I just don’t know how I should make it, well, just that good. I know how much if I don’t try and expose my works out, I’ll never get to where I am. Nobody would recognise my work out in the world, if I don’t start from now. Which lead me to much disappointment again. I just don’t know how I should do it well, how i should path it..

Staring in the dark

I thought to myself maybe I could make her better, but I still make it worst. I had so much in mind. What she said was right, reading someone elses words may cause insecures and thinking but why still do it? sometimes I just can’t stop myself from doing all these, I keep over thinking everything that don’t make sense. I’ve got her but still, things were out of hands at times. I wish I was a little faith in myself, in her and in us. Knowing how much she been through, I want to give her a better life, a fresh start. I can feel the ache each time she hurt and is not something that I had before. Sometimes writing out can be so difficult to express it out. We’re almost embarking nearer to the new year and I need to make something out of it. I question myself, was all these plan to be so difficult or are we just making it even more difficult to understand. Every day we leave it as if we need to, things kept blocking every now and then. The girl is coming back for her isn’t it, she is coming right through us. I love my girl vice versa but sometimes u just can’t help to think if the girl was better as me. How much do you know that you won’t be moved by her, even if you get hurt by her the deepest. Sometimes, everything just have to start all over again by a word. 

Thoughts

How do we start from a something to a everything? Confusion was settle in, can’t imagine a world would have done something to her. It was back then but it hunted her badly, believing that i can help to do something but i’m not sure if is was fine. I want to put everything down so i can travel miles just to see her. But it was my dream that i’m studying now. I just hope everyday that we have a chance to meet. I pray to the stars that shinning right above me that one day please make it soon that i’ll be able to see her face right in front of me, her voice lingering my ear crystal clear, her touch which shoot me up. All these physical gesture, i want it to be real. I want to hear her speak to me without any objection between us. But the stars are just stars, they can’t do anything for me. I never want someone so badly, that i feel like running out. She was interesting and i just want to know more than usual. She caught me off guard. I want to make her happy with anything in my ability. Future we can talk a bit later, for now, i won’t regret i just like her. Every day i’m working hard to get her but is not moving. Just the time that is moving.. What i do here has nothing to do with moving with her, but i can’t be selfish to let her come over. We need to give in to show that we’re actually working on it and not only one sided. How do i start from it then? I guess the answer is, myself. Start improving myself, start to know myself better before anybody does. And start to understand the way she speak, play and tease. How i can make her feel better if she needs to, the assurance and trust.

Desires

I can’t find that certain expression, it just start off. I wasn’t even ready to notice the change. She just came in like this without a warning and now i’m stuck. She give me everything i have always wanted. Not only did she make an assurance to me but she make my heart beat. Every day our heart is bumping but there’s someone who will keep your heart beats a little more than usual. I never pick up a phone and not wanting to hang up before. There are bound for people to disagree and find this ridiculous. I have no idea which part is more ridiculous, but i actually found someone i can’t leave without. I can’t leave a day without texting her and making sure she’s fine at the other side of the world. And planning to do something for her without letting her notice. Work hard, just so we can meet each other. We had our first awkward silence before, our quarrels over an uncertain feeling about someone else but all she do was being honest with me and telling me that we’re together. It have never been this good but the biggest obstacle was the distance relationship, it test us more than just an eye is even bigger. I want to know how to deal with all these and to know her presence beside me. The feeling of hers got me missing everyday. I felt the need of wanting her near but we’re so far. I couldn’t be more selfish as before, we need to fight for every chance and with that, we can meet each other. The plans we had was beyond ahead of us.
The linger of accent brush through my skins,
Her words shiver me,
creating a whole new thing,
assurance and love

Uncertain feelings

And yes i’m feeling that uncertain feelings that i shouldn’t have. Could it be the music i heard too much, they were too deep that it causes my mind to make a change. Or could it be the text she sent in causes a change. There were too many things occupy my mind that it causes confusion. I make up mind that it wasn’t you that i want but from time to time i get that feeling that i may somehow need you in some way or another. I don’t get myself thinking about you. It hasn’t really develop into feelings yet, is something indescribable. I can’t really say it in words and what i don’t say could actually cause an irritation to both sides. When people grow older you get wiser or mature. I seen myself sometimes in it that i speak in a different way or think. But still i can never express the feelings that is kept inside. Is one way or another, you came back texting me and saying you just want to talk to me. I accept that as we haven’t been talking awhile. You misses me with no reasons behind, you felt happy that i’m talking to you just like this. Which make me wonder, maybe your feelings hasn’t really subside. You’re trying to dig further but playing games with me is not working. I want to get to the point.

Not in a full mind

I don’t know what i want to type here but i just want to, wants. Is not needed. I just need to see words going and maybe, probably i will know what to type when it goes by. A part of me is selfish and another part of me is cravings. When someone say she misses you, what do u usually replied? That is where i became selfish, half of me wants to know if this is the truth and the half of me don’t want to know. If the truth is been said, she would probably would asked then do u miss me? how do i even answer that whereby i don’t even know if i actually misses her. This is difficult, everything that concerns about love is difficult. I never understand what is love. People tells me that you have to read it carefully before you fully understand what is love then u can fall for someone. But how do i even learn the meaning of love? I can’t be consistent with a particular person and it stinks.

Trying

I get to know this new band and the leader was fighting cancer for a long time, it became a long term and the members love him a lot.
What i don’t know was that he have been standing on stage to sing his lungs out and take every performance his last. I totally salute him with every part of my heartfelt moment when he sang on stage, it moved me. He is so passionate and he doesn’t care about his appearance, how bad be may look when he go through all the therapy etc. If life was this tragic and sudden, some times i’m just too afraid to even look at the world. It have been looking at you always and come back at you again, it never stop revolving even though you said “You’re done with it”, “i don’t think i could do this anymore” or “I gave up” I know it has to go on but for how long. People go and some just left without a proper reasons, why should i let someone in when i knew anything could happen. I never knew how hurting to see people leave, the definition of it can’t explain further. Therefore, i start to live with a proper aspects of life. I start to reflect my life every now and then. Sometimes i felt sick, i tried every strength to carry myself to do my work. The pain would be our gain afterwards. How one grow and the other die. The life and death based.

Sequence of death

Sometimes i can’t relate on certain things. And the certain things is that people die earlier than expected. I found myself living in a very social and fearful world, it prevents you from creating something. When a loved one passed away, it just struck you as to why someone leave earlier than you do. And the criminal gets away. Death is known as creating a new life, that’s how i think of it but when it comes to reality i can’t think of that term. People grieve over it for years and it became a point that you don’t want to lose anyone or any longer. But people have to go, either they go for good or they go for bad. The part of parcel of a life. Funeral became a very detailed and shivering word. When someone die, you can hear the screams in the mortuary, you hear the chanting words from the monk/priest, you saw the worst emotion of someone else, you hear the closing of casket and you hear crying and words that they want their deceased to hear. All 5 senses are all noticeable, you start to think that i should be the one going. When the door closes, you never seen them again ever. Their presence left an impact on your whole entire life, you want it back but is too late because now they are gone. But scene sometimes changes, what happens if is a murder case. Will the criminal face the full charge and will he/she get the real taste? How is it that sometimes they got the entire courage to kill someone so badly that they don’t think of the consequences. The feeling of killing, the stares you got from the victim, the stain you got in your hand, the last breath you heard and the scene you able to do it alone. How and why?